Dating In The Dark by J.R. Yussuf
“Dating In The Dark” refers to relationships, sexual or otherwise, that are kept secret. In this specific instance this will deal with the commonly ignored and misunderstood gay-male relationship. Chances are you know a male that is gay or bi, whether you know it or not…So if you feel like this is not relevant to you, take a second; stop and just listen. We are all human and you will be surprised how much you can relate.
Men who are straight by day-gay by night:
Everyone has heard of them and the females in their lives who suffer silently. But what we don’t hear about are the men that don’t always have the option of turning their sexualities on or off like lamps.
A poll was taken by 28 young women of all races (age 17-24), from across the country who date men. The question asked of them was: “Would you be open to dating a man who is openly bisexual and interested in dating you monogamously?”
No: 22
Yes: 5
Maybe: 3
The results from this poll show that (generally) most women (age 17-24) won’t date an openly bisexual male. *Hint*: These gay-by-night men know this. Hence they are on the low.
From the results of the poll you can also see that he will never be fully honest with you or her. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can begin to stop putting yourself in such dangerous positions-literally. Receiving messages like “you’re only worth anyone’s time and attention when you’re naked, lying on your back,” from a lover resounds louder than it would from a stranger. And subjecting yourself to a relationship based on nothing more than sex, lies and shame is sadistic. Humans love pleasure and though sex is a form of pleasure, a life of lies and shame in this facet can only be dangerous to the human psyche.
Dating in the dark isn’t smart for the guy that is forthcoming with his sexual preferences because to your gay-by-night guy, you don’t exist during the day-but are the king of his castle at night which just isn’t a fair deal. He gets the socially acceptable daytime relationship with emotional, spiritual and mental edification (from another) in addition to the taboo nighttime relationship where he is only using you. The reason dating in the dark isn’t a good idea is because the cost is too great. (The cost is your self-esteem).
This gay-by-night relationship began with sex and will end there. It’s nothing meaningful. You will not have the full experience of what it feels like to be made love to; just wham, bam, thank you mam-I mean sir…No progress in the relationship, no talk of eventually meeting the family, getting a place together, no love songs or poems written just for you and no trying to edify one another monetarily or in any other way for that matter. And while you might want love or to live out an imagined fantasy with a dude on the low, he’s not interested in any of that with you.
Regardless of what your head or heart tells you, listen to reason. This kind of sexual deviance should be taken as a sign of disrespect to all parties involved other than the cheater. He is offering you no loyalty, no friendship, no companionship, no family and no feeling of completion. His offer is to sleep with you every night and somehow still leave you feeling like you are alone.
The words to the song “If your girl only knew” by Aaliyah seems to be relevant right now. And we all know the saying “don’t make someone a priority when to them you’re just an option” and here is a perfect time where that quote is relevant as well.
Having sex with gay-by-night guys is something that has to stop because of the African-American women being infected with HIV by their closet bisexual boyfriends. But this must also stop because of the broken hearts, minds, and spirits of the males receiving a message from everyone (especially their lovers) telling them their love lives are to be confined to a cold, hard backseat or a shameful motel room. (Just like HIV is killing the Black Woman, the spirit and voice of the Black Gay Man is being killed.) It must stop because being openly gay ought to be about acceptance, empowerment and self-belief not insecurity, disgrace and apathy.
With all this being said, the DL man still gets too much blame put on him. He’s an easy target to point the finger at seeing as how he is invisible, whereas the fault lies in all of us. The fear of losing everyone (friends, family, business associates, etc) and everything (place to stay, job offers, money, etc) is usually what holds these men back from being honest. And saying some of the things we say daily, doesn’t make honesty any easier for them ie.“I would rather my son be a murderer then be gay” or “If my son turned out gay, I would beat the shit outta him.“
How do you feel about dating in the dark? And is damage to the human psyche, more damaging than the damage to the human heart is? We would love to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to leave a comment!
- The CLEMagazine Team
